How does one put into words their most sacred and tender emotions? I am not sure it can ever truly be accomplished but I will make an effort. I LOVE my son! It was this love for him that brought me to the ultimate outcome for him. My situation is so similar and yet so different from many I encounter. The journey of my son's life began when I had met a man I knew I wanted to marry. We had different beliefs, values and morals, which eventually led to a lot of compromise. I naively believed it would work itself out; that there would be a change. Change came but not in the way I expected. I knew I was pregnant before any test could be taken, I felt like I had eaten too much candy, and the feeling never went away. When a test confirmed what I already knew, the man I loved and I discussed many options. We had made a decision and set an appointment, as I arrived and waited for my turn, I knew in my heart this was not the decision for me. I had created a life, and terminating this innocent child's chances was something I could not bring myself to do. I have never been so scared. In one hand, I knew that walking out of that clinic would cause my child's father to leave, and there would be a lot of anger, pain and embarrassment as my situation would become obvious to the outside world. The other hand looked so much more appealing; no one would ever have to know, I would not gain weight, there would be no embarrassments, no disappointments. As I sat there weighing my options, I prayed. Now, I am not a churchy type of person, but I knew I needed help. It became all to clear to me, terminating this pregnancy was selfish of me. Why should this innocent child pay for my mistakes? After all, I knew that pregnancy was a possibility given my actions, although I did not think it would happen to me. I closed my tear filled eyes and thought about it. In that moment the most beautiful picture came to my mind, I was facing a little boy about the age of 2 holding a bottle of milk. He was looking to me, with love in his eyes, for direction. He was looking at me the way a child looks at his mother. At that moment I understood the real weight of my actions. I loved this child growing inside of my belly and I needed to put my son’s life above my own selfish desires and walked out of that clinic. Subsequently, I lost the man I love. The next few months were devastating. I had spoken with a few friends and had tried to keep things under wraps. Adoption had never crossed my mind until another prayer was uttered. I was overwhelmed with the reality of my situation. It was going to be just me, where do I live, how do I finish college, what do I do about day care, how is my child going to know me if I am never around? What kind of life am I providing for this child? Another plea went to the heavens, and an unusual answer came back. “You will have the strength to accomplish the Lord’s will”. What does that mean? As I studied that answer I started thinking of things in my life I wanted for my son. I knew in my heart how I had always dreamed of raising a family. Staying at home and teaching them to tie their shoes, and cutting their sandwiched in quarters, and dancing around our home. None of those were going to be accomplished here. Adoption then flashed into my head and a most violent reaction most certainly followed. “That is not happening. This is MY child! No one can love my child the way I can. No one will understand the bond that is developing, nor can it be duplicated. Absolutely not happening!” I then called my friend Amanda (who by the way started this website), and told her of all the recent events. Through the tears she comforted me, telling me maybe adoption was not the option for me, but her advice was to thoroughly understand all my options. She then gave me a website to look at. It was the adoption agency she used. I must have stayed up all night critiquing all the couples on the numerous pages. I kept thinking how could I ever let my child go? I allowed myself to consider the options, as advised, and filtered the profiles by criteria I would want for my child. I unmistakable came back to the same profile with each search. At first, I would never allow myself to look at their profile, because I did not like their picture. As the night ebbed on and I continually looked through profiles, I finally broke and read their profile. My heart broke as I read it, this was the confirmation I did not want!! I felt in my heart that this was the right option, but I did not want to do it! Many hours were spent in prayer arguing with the Lord. There has to be another way!! Please, don’t make me go through this. PLEASE!! I told the birth father what I had decided. Finally I let go of my dreams of marrying the father and notified the couple. We started talking and my prayers started to change. I was no longer pleading “don’t make me go through this!”, but was asking “why this was the best thing for my son?” During the following months I went back and forth with my decision and my relationship with the birth father. I explained my this to the couple and they understood and told me to take time to make sure this was the option I wanted.  I once again decided to pray, as I poured out my soul to my Savior, delivering the hopes and desires of my heart, there came an understanding I could not refuse. I knew what I had always known, this couple could provide where I simply could not. It wasn't about providing earthly possessions, because I knew friends and family from both sides would assist. It wasn't about how hard I would have to work to finish school and provide a means for my child, because I wanted to create a life for us. It was about Love. I LOVE my son and wanted a family and home united in Christ for him. I could not provide him that security. Nor could I provide a home as a sanctuary. Since I have not lived my life in accordance with Christ’s teachings, who was I to teach my son? Here was a couple who had their relationship survive an intimate and privately born devastation. No matter their efforts they would need someone else to provide what they desperately yearned for. They are two people whom made a home and a life together, centered in Christ. She is a mother who desires to stay at home and raise her children. They could provide what I truly wanted for my son, the hardest part was knowing I could not, and would have to let him go.  I had told my parents and the birth father, and met a lot of negativity. I was accused of; running away from the responsibility, coming to this conclusion out of malice for the brith father, and not loving my son! I found myself meeting all those accusations with questions like: “what kind of life would this be for my son? Who would he grow up knowing? Who would he become?” I dreaded the idea of letting my son go just as much as ever before, but the only time I had peace was when I thought about what my son stood to gain. When I put his life before mine, then I had peace. Eventually I had made my final decision and let the couple know that I would be placing my son into their home.  The birth father signed the release after much pleading.  When my son was born, it was just me, my son and the birth father for those two days, and I we were a family. The adoptive couple was wonderful at giving us the time we needed to make peace with this decision.  I will not pretend that all was well after the placement. There are not words to describe what I endured. Everything was black and dead to me. I would lay in bed all day crying. I was letting that part of my die. It felt wrong and unnatural, like something was missing. It felt like my life had ended and I would never know anything good again. Over time, little by little I started to heal and come around. I noticed I felt better as I saw my son and his new parents, as I got emails, phone calls and pictures. They even started a blog, just for me and the birth father. The best part was seeing him when he was 6 months old. When I saw them I was all tears and they handed me my son saying “Here is your mommy”.  They truly understand how hard it was for me to let him go, and have not, nor will not ever deny me any opportunity to know him. The adoptive mom said it best when she said he is going to grow up with two mommies and who daddies that love him. He will never have to question if he is loved.  My son is 8 months old and I have NEVER regretted my decision. This was truly the best decision for my son. I will leave you now with my two of favorite quotes…”What is best for you, is hardest for me.” “Great love is built on Great sacrifice. 

Sincerely,
Alysha

You may email Alysha with questions, directly at alysha@adoptiontheotheroption.com

Alysha recommends this Book & Song.

Perhaps the most requested song from Michael McLean is his beloved adoption song "From Gods Arms to My Arms to Yours." Now anyone in the adoption process- birth mothers and their families as well as adoptive parents and their families- will treasure this beautiful, heartfelt gift book with CD. Along with the title song the book and CD also include "The Gift We Could Not Give Each Other," written from the perspective of the adoptive parents; "Yours," the imagined words of an adopted child; and two brand-new songs: "Hardest for Me" and "There is Hope Hiding There." /WST.aspx Let His Love Reach You/From God's Arms to My Arms to You 5:03 MP3 RealAudio